My Last Drink

I am kind of sad to say that my very last drink was a mimosa made from cheap Andre brut champagne at a baby shower on November 5, 2017.  It could have been a really decadent red wine, or a delicious cocktail.  And if I had planned it out, it probably would have been.  But if I had planned it out, I never would have stopped.  So Andre it was.

I got borderline drunk at the baby shower, WITH MY CHILDREN, felt so gross on the way home (my husband was driving) and decided I needed a break from alcohol for a while.  I had decided this many times before.  Since 2015 when I realized I might have a drinking problem, I had placed many rules and restrictions on my drinking in a desperate attempt to moderate this seemingly insurmountable THING in my life.

For example, I was allowed to drink on Friday and Saturday but not Sunday through Thursday (ask me how many times that ACTUALLY happened).  I was allowed 1 bottle of wine over the course of the weekend (ha!  Again, seriously laughable!).  I could start drinking on Fridays at 4PM, but if I drank during the week (see ridiculous rule #1 above) I had to wait until 5PM.  And the list goes on.

There is a reason the lion at the zoo is caged but the peacocks are allowed to roam basically free amongst people.  The peacock is not a danger.  The lion is.  I was attempting to cage my drinking problem with a set of rules that could not contain it.

So I decided to take another break.  Six days into my break I felt a gentle tug.  A tug from the universe that said “YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO CHURCH.”  I had felt this tug before, and mostly ignored it, but in the last year I had been exploring it more.  This particular tug, this pull that happened six days into my latest break from alcohol, felt more like a desperate cry from something bigger to take massive action.  So I went, I went to church willingly for the first time in 15 years.  And what happened that day was nothing short of magic.

The homily that day November 12, 2017 was all about time.  About how it is NEVER too late in life to make a change, but we also are not given infinite amounts of time.  If you want to do something, you must do it now.  Just like that, a comfort came over me.  A comfort that felt like a warm blanket, a reassuring pressure, or a really tight hug.  I knew I would never drink again and I felt incredibly free.  To this day when I feel those cravings for alcohol the simple prayer I use to get through it is this.

HOVER OVER ME GOD. 

HOVER OVER ME GOD.

HOVER OVER ME GOD.

Since that day I have never looked back.  There have been bone chillingly intense cravings.  There have been moments I have wanted to numb, and feelings I could not bear to feel.  But I pushed passed the cravings.  I did not numb.  I felt those feelings.  The work does not end the day you decide to quit drinking, that is when the work begins.

I am not quiet about my sobriety (I am not quiet about much, but you already know that;-) ), but I also do not have all the answers.  I am loud and proud and I move through this process in my own way on my own time.  In so many ways I am still a baby in this whole thing.  I have less than a year of sobriety under my belt while I write this and my feelings are still so raw.

We are all recovering from something, my recovery just happens to be from alcohol addiction <3

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